If you’ve ever lost a loved one, or are going through it right now, I am so sorry! I know that words cannot take the pain away, but I hope this article can help you in your journey of coping with grief and loss.
Losing a loved one can be a roller coaster of emotions - one moment you’re sad, and the next you’re angry, scared, heartbroken, or confused. The constant shift of emotions can be exhausting and overwhelming and leave you feeling out of control and emotionally drained. If this sounds like you, you’re not alone!
I have experienced loss in many different forms - family and close friends - unexpected and expected. The hardest was losing Chrissie - my mother-in-law and best friend, to a terrible battle with stage 4 cancer. Although the experience was traumatic (both mentally and physically), it became a defining moment in my life. By implementing these tools, I found peace and regained happiness early on in my grief journey.
In this article, I will share the strategies for finding peace while coping with grief and loss.
Its A Journey
I created this photo to depict the difference between what we THINK coping with grief and loss will look like, and what we actually experience. There are LOTS of ups and downs - that is normal! You may feel great for a few consecutive weeks, then out of nowhere begin feeling sad or angry again. Focus on processing each emotion as you experience it IN REAL TIME. Otherwise, you may experience negative impacts on your health and well-being.
Why This Is Vital
Life can be chaotic and it can be easy to push aside our negative emotions, especially the ones that make us angry or cry! Suppressing or pushing them aside can have a detrimental impact on your health, trust me I learned the hard way.
Similar to what happened to me, suppressing your negative emotions can have detrimental effects on your body and mind.
Impact of suppressing grief:
- Increased risk of stress, anxiety, and depression
- Lack of sleep
- Low self-esteem
- Negative impact on relationships - family, friends, coworkers
- Decreased productivity at work
Let's equip you with the tools to avoid these from happening to you. Here are the tips for coping with grief and loss in a healthy way.
Find Your Way of Processing
Coping with grief and loss is like a fingerprint - it is different for everyone. Find what process works best for YOU, even if it’s different than those around you. Seek out places where you can be alone, and let your mind wander without distractions. You could try walking, journaling, therapy, art, writing, running, massages, long hot showers, or anything that will give you quality time.
Watching my mother-in-law’s health deteriorate was emotionally traumatic so running became my outlet - where I could clear my head and process my emotions. The year that she passed away I ended up running 3 half-marathons! Finding this outlet will help bring you peace and prioritize your own needs.
Take Care of Yourself
Losing a loved one can impact an entire family. Sometimes we focus too much on being the rock and support for others, that we neglect taking care of ourselves. Make sure you are taking the time YOU need to cope with the grief and loss yourself.
There is a reason airlines say “put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others” - it’s because you first need to take care of your own needs so you can show up better for others. Just as a car needs regular maintenance, so do your mind and body. You are NOT selfish for taking time for yourself during this process. Be intentional about fulfilling your own needs and prioritize your self care.
Listen to Your Body
Through the journey of coping with grief and loss, you will experience a range of emotions - and they can come in waves. Instead of suppressing your negative emotions, LEAN INTO them. When you feel sadness coming on, don’t push it aside to deal with later. Cry when you need to cry. Find places where you feel comfortable dealing with your emotions.
I remember starting to cry in public places (grocery store, gym, etc) and instead of holding back, I walked out to my car and cried (this happened on several occasions). Whether it was in my car, on a run, or in the shower, I found safe spaces where I could process my emotions AS I was experiencing them. By doing this, I found the heaviness of my emotions being lifted off my shoulders and feeling instant relief. Listen to your body and confront your emotions in REAL-TIME.
It's OK to Pull Back
While we are going through trauma and processing grief, we can feel pressured to maintain our lifestyle and responsibilities. In reality, we don't account for the extra self care and mental restoration that our bodies need during this time. It is perfectly acceptable (and encouraged) to pull back on some of your responsibilities as you go through this journey.
When you feel overwhelmed, take note of ALL the things you are doing during the day/week. Next, identify which of those things bring you joy, which are required to maintain your lifestyle, and which cause you extra stress. See if you can outsource (or even skip) the ones causing you stress. If you can, fill that extra time with things that make you happy and fulfilled.
Lean on Your Support System
Asking others for help can be tough sometimes, especially if we feel like we are burdening them. This is not the case and trust me when I say, they WANT to help you. Don't try and take on too much during this journey and lean on the people in your support system.
Outsource as much as you can - grocery shopping, meals, babysitting! If you have kids, get a babysitter so you can have quality time with your spouse or yourself. Go out and do something fun that makes you happy. Even just being in the presence of friends and family can serve as a positive distraction. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and spend any free time on your self-care.
Find Unique Ways to Honor Them
I love this one because it completely changed my perspective on overcoming loss. Find unique ways to honor and incorporate them into your life. This could be an object, phrase, location, or anything that serves as a constant reminder of them.
When I lost my mother-in-law, I told my daughter that she had gone to live on the moon. Now every night (and morning) she smiles and waves at her. We also have a dedicated spot (park) and had a dedicated bench built for her. Now, on every Mother’s Day and anniversary of her birthday, our family goes to that bench (pictured). Finding ways to incorporate your loved ones into your life will bring you so much joy and help you cope with grief and loss in a healthy way.
Be Open to the Signs
Loved ones will visit all the time, so open your heart and you will start noticing them everywhere. It could be ladybugs, birds, flowers, or anything else that reminds you of them. You will also notice the timing of the signs - they will often visit during ironic and meaningful times in your life. Being open to noticing the signs will bring you a lot of peace as you go through your journey.
One quick example to show you how powerful this can be. When my daughter was 6 months old, we had a photo shoot with her and my mother-in-law in a sunflower field. At the end of the shoot, it started downpouring rain. Fast forward 3 years later, when my son turned 6 months, we got a photoshoot in the exact same sunflower field. At the end of the shoot, it started downpouring rain, and out came a double rainbow. It was Chrissie showing us that she was there with us. Instead of running for shelter, we danced in the rain (pictured below). A double rainbow also came out on Chrissie’s birthday the year she passed away. Signs like this happen to our family ALL THE TIME so open your heart to seeing them and you will be overwhelmed with how much joy and happiness it brings you.
Seek Out Humor And Happiness
Do not be afraid or hesitant to seek out things that make you happy. Be intentional and find ways to laugh and experience joy, especially when you are feeling down. Humor and happiness are good for the soul so it's OK (and even encouraged) to feel happy when coping with grief and loss. My family is very sarcastic and we made it a point to remain that way even during the toughest moments. Take note of all the things that bring you joy and happiness and find ways to incorporate them into your life.
Give Yourself Grace
You are going through trauma so give yourself grace, do your best, and know you will come out of this a changed person… for the better!. It's OK to forget to text a friend happy birthday, forget to send food for your kid’s class party, or have 5 piles of laundry on the floor. Be kind to yourself and give yourself credit for how strong you are, how much you have accomplished, and all that you are capable of! You are a ROCKSTAR.
Wrap It Up
You are amazing. The best thing you can do is exactly what you are doing right now - learning how to take care of yourself. Trauma can have a negative impact on you physically and mentally so implement these tools to help find peace while coping with grief and loss.
Find and prioritize your way of processing grief and loss. Take care of yourself by listening to what your body and mind need. Ask for help and outsource anything that adds stress to your life. Open your heart to seeing signs and find ways to incorporate your loved ones into your life. Most importantly, seek out things that make you happy and give yourself grace!
It might not seem like it right now, but it will get easier. Holidays and anniversaries are difficult every year, but as time passes you will find yourself more and more at peace. Sadness comes in waves, even years after losing a loved one, so stay focused on the strategies above.
I hope this article will help you find peace in coping with grief and loss.
Need additional resources?
Here is a fantastic book by Sherly Sandberg on how she navigated the unexpected loss of her husband and father of her children - click the photo or link below to view on Amazon!
Productivity Resources:
